It's not you, it's me

Dating Online during Covid-19

This is the perspective of a man in his sixties, who has recently​ and reluctantly​ returned to the dating app scene​.​

You may have a lot of questions when you decide to dip your toes back into the dating pool, especially since we live in the Trying Age of Covid. By engaging yourself online​, essentially exposing a hastily assembled shopping list of what you seek in a partner​, you'll have the same issues that the average person has, plus a​ bonus barrier of what to do once you ​[1] establish a common interest, [2] find that you're within a day's travel of each other, [3] have sufficient overlapping time (and interest), [4] ​decide to meet in person.​ ​

Generally, I consider myself a nice guy, kind, ​certainly ​not rich, and not someone who would cut ​you off on the freeway. ​I'm an average height, quick to open doors and smile to ​most ​everyone I meet. Humorous​ in a bit off-center​ way​, smart, literate, ​fairly well-read​, good hygiene, passable sense of fashion and so on. I am the guy who​'ll help your old mom get something from the top shelf at the market​ or assist the elderly or disabled​ without a second thought. I am an average Joe like you.

I don't have the dashing features of a celebrity or the photographic memory of a stage act, but that is part of the job description for artists. I haven't grown up beyond occasionally exaggerating to make a point. I'm just a ​pretty nice guy looking for ​"​my ​own" nice woman, for my ​next ​best friend, for my advocate, ​for ​the person I want to do things for and with​ foremost​, the first pair of eyes I see in the morning and the last at night, the lips that know how and when to find my own perfectly. And often.

Apps, anyone?
I'm not looking to date. My preference is not to search online for what I strongly believe should be a physical, real, visceral person who​, by coincidence, serendipity, karma or just plain luck, happens to be in the vicinity of where I happen to be​, open to finding someone, maybe like me​.

Dating apps: I'll admit, I have a real love-hate relationship when it comes to using one. I'm currently on several. When it comes to finding candidates, some tools work better than others, some don't work at all. Not to 'score more,' as an adolescent male might suggest, but to see and be seen.
My goal is to make an easy connection with someone who thinks I'm a good match at least.

Yes, I have a car.
One of the sites even asks if you have a car. No matter what distance you specify for a reasonable distance when looking for a potential partner, I regularly receive matches from about four and a half hours away, which is not what I'd consider the 'impulsive date' range, which is the distance you'd be willing to travel for a last minute concert, film, or event.

It's unlikely you will find your perfect match, if such a thing ever existed or might ever exist. Let's take a look at why. It is important for both of you to look for clearly stated characteristics that will narrow the search quickly and help you find the perfect partner. Another crucial factor comes into play when the two " perfect pieces " of the perfect couple puzzle have the 'partnership need ' occur simultaneously. It must be within a reasonable geographical range and also include whether they have had other experiences in the past that enabled them to better define perfection for them in the context of a 'couple' partnership and what that might look like. You must ​further be able to ​recognize her when you find her.

Looks a little off to me.
In a perfect world, we could have hard and fast rules about what is attractive and what isn't, since visual appeal is the driving force behind connections, at least online. I have written this from a binary male point of view. Please make adjustments as necessary if you identify in any other way.
What I'm trying to say is that as we age, oh boy especially as we age, skin tends to sag a little and to ​more closely ​resemble a type of Crêpe papier on the neck, under arms, thighs and other exposed surfaces.​ It's normal, right? I'm not the only one this is happening to, right? Breathe.
​
On top of categories common on most apps, like age*, education, political stance, religious stance, height, body type, degree of activeness, and so on, there should also be a free class that demonstrated how to use the camera on your phone.
*In terms of age, I dated a wonderful woman who was beautiful, accomplished, and confident. Her personality was playful and loving. When we broke up, she returned online at a much younger age than the one I knew her to be. 
When it comes to setting a comfortable age range, should we consider some leeway if women (and men) are going to lie about their true age? Taking this a step further, what is age, anyway? Then there are those who dismiss the age difference out of hand and a few others who seem fixated on that single issue. While I've seen people act much older than they are, I enjoy physical activities, things, and am younger in the sense that I am playful, positive, and joyful.

Beautiful by nature.
Drawing eyebrows on the face, lipstick liners, photos that are too far away to be of any use, bad dental hygiene, bad posture, photos that aren't flattering or in which the woman is largely obscured by a pet or flowers, bathroom lighting, women who have no concept of what a natural expression looks like should all be optional categories that can be checked off. If your body is on the larger side, avoid having your photo taken at a buffet bar, as it will make you look like you're doubling down.
Apparently, men are no different. In the past, I have heard of people embellishing photos by hiding beer guts, hiding behind sunglasses, not smiling, slouching, wearing a big hat, or simply drinking beer. Oh boy, I know I could use an advocate for my own online reputation!
A person of reasonable aptitude wouldn't allow such things on the internet, but here they are. Interested?

Out of this world.
Once a notable scientist was asked how likely it was that intelligent life could exist elsewhere, and he created a formula called Drakes Equation. If you're more interested in alien civilizations than dating, look here.
The reason I'm bringing this up is the fact that dating sites earn money by offering everyone an endless selection of potential partners with the bonus of access to filtering features, the ability to reply or to chat for just so much more a month.

Can you tell what I'm thinking?
​Here's a completely​-​a​​t-random list of the ​next 10 women's expressions as I randomly scroll on the site I'm on:
1. Looking up at the camera makes my wrinkles less noticeable.
2. It's only my mouth in a smile shape, my eyes are normally like this. I bite through leather like this.
3. Leaning forward to look interested; i just look uncomfortable. Don't look at my cleavage.
4. Really, you're going to take my photo in the store? I'll try to look uncomfortable.
5. I'm sitting on a couch but I'm definitely surprised to see myself in my smartphone.
6. Yes, I'm in a crowded restaurant and the window's right behind me. No way you're getting details.
7. I saw this hairstyle in the 60's and I'm still working it. Maybe if I half-blink with one eye...
8. This photo has not at all been run through all the instagram filters to the point of obscurity.
9. This is how I laugh, although my eyes tell you I've died on the inside.
10. Look how close yet completely out of focus I can get my face to fill the whole screen.

​I'm sure that the men on the search would yield an abundance of obvious gaffes, but I haven't been on that side of the screen myself!​

It's a party thing!
I believe it would be a good idea to set aside a couple of hours and to spend those hours reviewing my online dating options - which sounds like going through a​ lot of sifting and sorting​, doesn't it?
​What I'd really like is a woman who cares about ​me, not ​necessarily in a ​romanti​c way​, to look over our shoulders on the online app ​and ​to see what we don't see, "oh, no-she's not self-aware, overconfident, she's had her lips done, she doesn't have good body awareness, she has no friends, she looks like trouble-she's four and a half hours away! Yes, four and a half hours is too far!
​I'd volunteer for my female friends, if they choose to have me look over their shoulders as their advocate. There's a good theme for a potentially caustic​ adult party game!

How has your experience been with online dating?
I would like to hear from you​, please share!​

Mating Dance

I am NOT my deep-rooted paranoia

The Mating Dance,
or Why You're Not Getting Any Replies* on your Online Dating Site. *or the wrong kind of replies.

Each one of the 7 or 8 billion people on our planet is single at some point in their lives; almost everyone is born single (I'm fairly certain about this), according to accepted scientific evidence.

 I couldn't pick you out of a two-person lineup.

Are we on a dating site? With all the social site venues, it can be easy to make a mistake. You may have a vision of what the ideal partner would look like and may spot him or her on a site like FaceBook or LinkedIn, but are those legitimate dating sites? Make sure you're not flirting on a business or other social site. Do NOT send love notes, sexts or flirty messages to people you meet on Business networks: LinkedIn, Quora and sites similar to these. Stick to sites that specifically refer to themselves clearly as and for the purpose of meeting a potential partner. While this may seem forehead-slappingly simple, for the sake of this brief article I'm assuming you don't know Jack.


To begin: Many may find themselves single after a breakup or divorce which was their idea, of course, and are destined to either repeat a pattern of romance and partnership or, having had an awakening of sorts, decide that they will try to take an active part in owning the responsibility for their own actions within and without a relationship.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, as that is better suited for a post on philosophy and sociology.

This is a good day for me.

Forefront in one's newly-single

male lymbic mind is, "Why (or how) do we sabotage our own efforts?", part one, the dating site profile photo. This is, of course, presuming that there remains a reasoning center that is intact within the libidinous male mind, testosterone poisoning notwithstanding of course.

Dating Site Photos
What NOT to do If you're a woman, read on. Men, we will deal with you in an upcoming blog. For the time being, you may want to pass this blog link to women you know. Anonymously.

Rule #1 
No one is photogenic all the time
Females, if you consider yourself particularly unattractive even by your own standards, do NOT pose next to flowers, kittens or puppies. Let me tell you why this is not a good idea.
This is sad as it just makes an average man want the flowers and prop pets more than you.

Also important: Do not stare into a camera with a look of desperation, a raised eyebrow, a sad puppy dog look or looking up as if to a forgiving master. A male viewer will instinctively click "continue browsing". If your photos are from the same selfie angle, we're going to assume youhave no real friends.

Selfies should stay on the shelfies unless the resulting photo gives an insight into your personality more so than perhaps into your cleavage unless you consider that to be your best 'selling feature'. 

Pure character nirvana.

If you're standing so far from the photographer that we can't tell you from the mob surrounding the Eiffel tower, you're standing too danged far away to serve any purpose other than bragging rights. As men, we don't want to see your vacation book, we want to see who you are, even if the photos have been judiciously vetted to favor the most flattering ones. A closeup, a candid and a full body shot will tell us what we need to know, even if we don't know to ask.

Rule #2 Historical archives, special (peculiar) interests and Kodachrome Slides There's so much to go over.

Because this makes ya hot, right? And plus I have bullets and a man thong.

Trucks, motorcycles and guns

If you feature these prominently in your bio and don't get much past hunters, mechanics, bikers and their kind, well, maybe there's a lesson in there somewhere for you. Go figure.

Have a collection of questionable or very niche appeal? Try swapmeets and fetish sites or keep it to yourself until you've established a rapport with your person of interest.

Are your photos over 20 years old (you know who you are), then clearly identify them as an historical artifact, ancient history or whatever else may be appropriate. We can recognize that photos of photos aren't current.

I personally don't want to date someone 20 years younger, but when I meet you for the first time, I really want to know that I'm not meeting your mom (because of the photo's age and graniness).

Of course you were a cute baby, but who are you now? We want to see character lines and your eyes, not a yellowing scrapbook. 

If you don't have friends nearby and would rather let your webcam capture your blue-tinged face, turn on your webcam. Congratulations, you now appeal to cyanotics. And for gosh's sake, clean up the background! You get all this and more.

Blue computer face + a backlight. Firing on all cylinders here

Turn on a light in the house (but NOT behind you!). Ghostly apparitions only appeal to vampires and loners.

No picture? Well, that's how daddy met mommy. Back in the day, I took a true leap of faith. I agreed to meet a woman whose classified ad said everything I wanted to read and still I was somewhat traumatized meeting IRL.
I don't know if I've learned much from that experience or have allowed it to fester in my writer's mind as a worst-case scenario all this time, but I will not meet someone who I have not seen beforehand. There's something to be said for physical attraction, even a slight one, and much to be said for having abslutley none whatsoever. No doubt it will re-emerge as a warning to others in some form. That's not me in the photo.

But tinder said it was okay.

Horses and ridiculously tremendous dogs in your photos:
What are you trying to tell us?

Do you prefer the unquestioning loyalty of an animal that you groom, feed and clean up after? I think I speak for a small but earnest population of men that think it would be nice to put our lives on pause and to be groomed, fed and ridden (or walked) all day, every day. Think about that for a moment.

You know who you are. There is an interesting psychological machination where men may feel that they now have to compete for your favors with said livestock and beasts. Make it clear you're looking for a partner, not another pet to ride. Ew.
Or... something to think about for a special-interest site.

Photo with ex: Alright, sometimes it's tough to photoshop, crop or physically remove an ex from a photo, but think about how they must feel to be on your dating site. C'mon. Your neighborhood kid can probably help you to photoshop him or her out of your historical document.

Are your pictures there to show suitors what you expect as a partner or are they there to embarrass him for having lost you somehow, or what exactly? Does he know you posted his (or her) photo all over the internet? Not cool. If you need help, send me the photo and I'll crop them out. Or maybe an emoji will do nicely. Play fair and no one gets hurt.

SO hungry for you.

Bathrooms, stalls and selfies.
No, don't take your phone into the bathroom, ever.
Please. Really. Don't. It's surprising how many photos taken in less-than-sterile situations actually make it onto dating sites.

Surprises. Yeah, no. Not exactly what you had in mind for a match? 
This happens. Just be upfront and cut the date short. Save face and save money on a most forgettable experience. It's best in the long view to be clear and upfront when something is just not going to work out.


Making duck face kissy pouts: No. Don't. Why are you doing this? Stop. Oh, the humanity.

Am I dating you or your daughter, sister or
your mom? Which one are you? Too much work, pass.

Photos in a group:
OK- Which one are you? This isn't Russian Roulette! Women seem to synchronize all things over time from monthly cycles to hairstyles and makeup. You never see just one Goth or one Kardashian, right?
If you're standing in a 2-shot or group shot, don't make me look through every single photo to figure out which one is you. I can't. I won't. The photos are very small on sites like POF and Mingle, and it's just too much of a gamble.
I may just go to another listing (or site) instead of chancing the horror of meeting you and be expecting your daughter, grandmother or dead best friend. Sorry, but it's a thing.

Scanned photos If you honestly don't know how to work a scanner, you can pay me to scan this crap for you. Seriously, old photos being scanned is like watching a copy of a copied VHS tape. We'll know it's not recent and the graininess tends to obscure your face beyond the measurable purpose of using it in the first place.

Out of focus photos:
So that's what you look like with a four-beer goggles on?

Oh, Liz, Liz, Liz. Liz?
Or Herb Villachaize?

What's the point again?
Welcome to pixel hell.


Soft focus may have worked for Elizabeth Taylor (might have but she's dead and still pissing me off for making me think I needed stronger glasses) but it defeats the purpose of posting a photo by which we can identify features.

Really? It doesn't get more attractive than this.

Flowery,  Chipmunk Ear, dog face and the Plain Eerie. 
You are the only person in the room that thinks that by applying raccoon noses and ears, a lapping dog tongue or fairy bits and explosions to your photo as an embellishment  will somehow make you more attractive and unique.
An unscientific scan of photos posted by women this very morning shows that about 30% of the photos have been doctored by an "enhancement" app that obscures, colors or erases any and all character lines. Do NOT set your camera app to embellish your photos. This is very "10-years-ago" and not well-regarded by anyone after 3rd or 4th grade, depending on your school district. Hey, Alabama- it's on it's way. Honestly. Lose the twinkly crap and the Forestville accessories, sparkles, special effects, tints, embellishments, "cute" anything or those puffy kissy lip poses.
Really and please.


Final thoughts, shots with horrible lighting, endless décolletés and silhouettes.

A brief reminder that the purpose of a photo on a dating site is to visually represent the person in it. I don't want to see if you're artsy as much as I want to see YOU. A closeup, a full body shot, an action shot, preferably without your ex in it.

Shooting with the sun behind the subject is like staring at a Rorschach Test of ink blots. You can make out whatever you imagine in the blotch, but are certain to be disappointed in person (and to do poorly in the test). Use lighting that is flattering (soft lights) and not from behind you.

Is it nipply in here or is it just me?

Busted.
I'm no longer thinking of dating- now I wanna mate. A photo of your bust is probably something not to include online. Showing your chest will appeal to a certain demographic audience (95-100% of heterosexual males by my best guess). If you receive emails bordering on lustful and sexual innuendo, consider that your sole purpose online may to serve as a warning to others as far as what not to do online.

And frankly, speaking as a red-blooded male, it's hard enough to be online without having to remember that there are other perks to being in a relationship, like intimacy, right? So showing your bits may work against meeting a partner who's interested in your other parts: A personality, sense of humor, compassion, lifestyle and so on. We know that women have breasts. Move on.

That's about it. Isn't it?


I believe that we should be able to openly share our (mis)adventures so that the dating community as a whole may be able to learn from each other and our own gaffes. We should be able to see what the others of our gender are up to, and what leads to a happy relationship, and what doesn't. I personally would appreciate hearing constructive criticism from all.

Would you share some of your best/worst emails and meetings? Enquiring minds want to to know!