Mating Dance

I am NOT my deep-rooted paranoia

The Mating Dance,
or Why You're Not Getting Any Replies* on your Online Dating Site. *or the wrong kind of replies.

Each one of the 7 or 8 billion people on our planet is single at some point in their lives; almost everyone is born single (I'm fairly certain about this), according to accepted scientific evidence.

 I couldn't pick you out of a two-person lineup.

Are we on a dating site? With all the social site venues, it can be easy to make a mistake. You may have a vision of what the ideal partner would look like and may spot him or her on a site like FaceBook or LinkedIn, but are those legitimate dating sites? Make sure you're not flirting on a business or other social site. Do NOT send love notes, sexts or flirty messages to people you meet on Business networks: LinkedIn, Quora and sites similar to these. Stick to sites that specifically refer to themselves clearly as and for the purpose of meeting a potential partner. While this may seem forehead-slappingly simple, for the sake of this brief article I'm assuming you don't know Jack.


To begin: Many may find themselves single after a breakup or divorce which was their idea, of course, and are destined to either repeat a pattern of romance and partnership or, having had an awakening of sorts, decide that they will try to take an active part in owning the responsibility for their own actions within and without a relationship.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, as that is better suited for a post on philosophy and sociology.

This is a good day for me.

Forefront in one's newly-single

male lymbic mind is, "Why (or how) do we sabotage our own efforts?", part one, the dating site profile photo. This is, of course, presuming that there remains a reasoning center that is intact within the libidinous male mind, testosterone poisoning notwithstanding of course.

Dating Site Photos
What NOT to do If you're a woman, read on. Men, we will deal with you in an upcoming blog. For the time being, you may want to pass this blog link to women you know. Anonymously.

Rule #1 
No one is photogenic all the time
Females, if you consider yourself particularly unattractive even by your own standards, do NOT pose next to flowers, kittens or puppies. Let me tell you why this is not a good idea.
This is sad as it just makes an average man want the flowers and prop pets more than you.

Also important: Do not stare into a camera with a look of desperation, a raised eyebrow, a sad puppy dog look or looking up as if to a forgiving master. A male viewer will instinctively click "continue browsing". If your photos are from the same selfie angle, we're going to assume youhave no real friends.

Selfies should stay on the shelfies unless the resulting photo gives an insight into your personality more so than perhaps into your cleavage unless you consider that to be your best 'selling feature'. 

Pure character nirvana.

If you're standing so far from the photographer that we can't tell you from the mob surrounding the Eiffel tower, you're standing too danged far away to serve any purpose other than bragging rights. As men, we don't want to see your vacation book, we want to see who you are, even if the photos have been judiciously vetted to favor the most flattering ones. A closeup, a candid and a full body shot will tell us what we need to know, even if we don't know to ask.

Rule #2 Historical archives, special (peculiar) interests and Kodachrome Slides There's so much to go over.

Because this makes ya hot, right? And plus I have bullets and a man thong.

Trucks, motorcycles and guns

If you feature these prominently in your bio and don't get much past hunters, mechanics, bikers and their kind, well, maybe there's a lesson in there somewhere for you. Go figure.

Have a collection of questionable or very niche appeal? Try swapmeets and fetish sites or keep it to yourself until you've established a rapport with your person of interest.

Are your photos over 20 years old (you know who you are), then clearly identify them as an historical artifact, ancient history or whatever else may be appropriate. We can recognize that photos of photos aren't current.

I personally don't want to date someone 20 years younger, but when I meet you for the first time, I really want to know that I'm not meeting your mom (because of the photo's age and graniness).

Of course you were a cute baby, but who are you now? We want to see character lines and your eyes, not a yellowing scrapbook. 

If you don't have friends nearby and would rather let your webcam capture your blue-tinged face, turn on your webcam. Congratulations, you now appeal to cyanotics. And for gosh's sake, clean up the background! You get all this and more.

Blue computer face + a backlight. Firing on all cylinders here

Turn on a light in the house (but NOT behind you!). Ghostly apparitions only appeal to vampires and loners.

No picture? Well, that's how daddy met mommy. Back in the day, I took a true leap of faith. I agreed to meet a woman whose classified ad said everything I wanted to read and still I was somewhat traumatized meeting IRL.
I don't know if I've learned much from that experience or have allowed it to fester in my writer's mind as a worst-case scenario all this time, but I will not meet someone who I have not seen beforehand. There's something to be said for physical attraction, even a slight one, and much to be said for having abslutley none whatsoever. No doubt it will re-emerge as a warning to others in some form. That's not me in the photo.

But tinder said it was okay.

Horses and ridiculously tremendous dogs in your photos:
What are you trying to tell us?

Do you prefer the unquestioning loyalty of an animal that you groom, feed and clean up after? I think I speak for a small but earnest population of men that think it would be nice to put our lives on pause and to be groomed, fed and ridden (or walked) all day, every day. Think about that for a moment.

You know who you are. There is an interesting psychological machination where men may feel that they now have to compete for your favors with said livestock and beasts. Make it clear you're looking for a partner, not another pet to ride. Ew.
Or... something to think about for a special-interest site.

Photo with ex: Alright, sometimes it's tough to photoshop, crop or physically remove an ex from a photo, but think about how they must feel to be on your dating site. C'mon. Your neighborhood kid can probably help you to photoshop him or her out of your historical document.

Are your pictures there to show suitors what you expect as a partner or are they there to embarrass him for having lost you somehow, or what exactly? Does he know you posted his (or her) photo all over the internet? Not cool. If you need help, send me the photo and I'll crop them out. Or maybe an emoji will do nicely. Play fair and no one gets hurt.

SO hungry for you.

Bathrooms, stalls and selfies.
No, don't take your phone into the bathroom, ever.
Please. Really. Don't. It's surprising how many photos taken in less-than-sterile situations actually make it onto dating sites.

Surprises. Yeah, no. Not exactly what you had in mind for a match? 
This happens. Just be upfront and cut the date short. Save face and save money on a most forgettable experience. It's best in the long view to be clear and upfront when something is just not going to work out.


Making duck face kissy pouts: No. Don't. Why are you doing this? Stop. Oh, the humanity.

Am I dating you or your daughter, sister or
your mom? Which one are you? Too much work, pass.

Photos in a group:
OK- Which one are you? This isn't Russian Roulette! Women seem to synchronize all things over time from monthly cycles to hairstyles and makeup. You never see just one Goth or one Kardashian, right?
If you're standing in a 2-shot or group shot, don't make me look through every single photo to figure out which one is you. I can't. I won't. The photos are very small on sites like POF and Mingle, and it's just too much of a gamble.
I may just go to another listing (or site) instead of chancing the horror of meeting you and be expecting your daughter, grandmother or dead best friend. Sorry, but it's a thing.

Scanned photos If you honestly don't know how to work a scanner, you can pay me to scan this crap for you. Seriously, old photos being scanned is like watching a copy of a copied VHS tape. We'll know it's not recent and the graininess tends to obscure your face beyond the measurable purpose of using it in the first place.

Out of focus photos:
So that's what you look like with a four-beer goggles on?

Oh, Liz, Liz, Liz. Liz?
Or Herb Villachaize?

What's the point again?
Welcome to pixel hell.


Soft focus may have worked for Elizabeth Taylor (might have but she's dead and still pissing me off for making me think I needed stronger glasses) but it defeats the purpose of posting a photo by which we can identify features.

Really? It doesn't get more attractive than this.

Flowery,  Chipmunk Ear, dog face and the Plain Eerie. 
You are the only person in the room that thinks that by applying raccoon noses and ears, a lapping dog tongue or fairy bits and explosions to your photo as an embellishment  will somehow make you more attractive and unique.
An unscientific scan of photos posted by women this very morning shows that about 30% of the photos have been doctored by an "enhancement" app that obscures, colors or erases any and all character lines. Do NOT set your camera app to embellish your photos. This is very "10-years-ago" and not well-regarded by anyone after 3rd or 4th grade, depending on your school district. Hey, Alabama- it's on it's way. Honestly. Lose the twinkly crap and the Forestville accessories, sparkles, special effects, tints, embellishments, "cute" anything or those puffy kissy lip poses.
Really and please.


Final thoughts, shots with horrible lighting, endless décolletés and silhouettes.

A brief reminder that the purpose of a photo on a dating site is to visually represent the person in it. I don't want to see if you're artsy as much as I want to see YOU. A closeup, a full body shot, an action shot, preferably without your ex in it.

Shooting with the sun behind the subject is like staring at a Rorschach Test of ink blots. You can make out whatever you imagine in the blotch, but are certain to be disappointed in person (and to do poorly in the test). Use lighting that is flattering (soft lights) and not from behind you.

Is it nipply in here or is it just me?

Busted.
I'm no longer thinking of dating- now I wanna mate. A photo of your bust is probably something not to include online. Showing your chest will appeal to a certain demographic audience (95-100% of heterosexual males by my best guess). If you receive emails bordering on lustful and sexual innuendo, consider that your sole purpose online may to serve as a warning to others as far as what not to do online.

And frankly, speaking as a red-blooded male, it's hard enough to be online without having to remember that there are other perks to being in a relationship, like intimacy, right? So showing your bits may work against meeting a partner who's interested in your other parts: A personality, sense of humor, compassion, lifestyle and so on. We know that women have breasts. Move on.

That's about it. Isn't it?


I believe that we should be able to openly share our (mis)adventures so that the dating community as a whole may be able to learn from each other and our own gaffes. We should be able to see what the others of our gender are up to, and what leads to a happy relationship, and what doesn't. I personally would appreciate hearing constructive criticism from all.

Would you share some of your best/worst emails and meetings? Enquiring minds want to to know!

Nuclear evacuation zone for central California?

So what is with the Diablo (PG&E) evacuation plan? A simple fender bender on 101 will bring 101 to a standstill (try the daily commute from San Luis Obispo and you will know what I mean).

PG&E MUST be mandated to construct specific buildings for mass evacuation way-stations; these would be places you can go to for temporary shelter during the initial problem(s)/incident(s); a time when the roads are going to be least passable.

PG&E currently designates school gyms and other buildings which are in NO WAY resistant to gamma radiation or to most fallout or plumes from a nuclear emergency, as emergency evacuation zones. The most ridiculous is the Santa Maria Calif high school evac. zone, which is well within 20 miles of the plant. Perhaps because it is on the other side of the county line, somehow the nuclear problems stop there.

We need public outcry, not only Mothers for Peace, in order to garner more media attention to this immediate and pressing problem.
Write your politician.
Lois Capps
Sam Blakslee
Other state representatives and the Governor

Make some noise.
After all, it's your life, your family's lives, and everybody you work with, play with and count upon. Every day.
Write now, call now and make an effort, even if only one email, to say that:

"I'm seriously concerned that there are no realistic provisions for a nuclear emergency in our area. Make PG&E construct buildings that are effective, temporary evacuation and effort-coordination designations A school gym or a library is not adequate or designed to protect me or my family and friends from gamma radiation, and the highways here are wholly inadequate for evacuation purposes. We need to act now; the time for planning is over."

Writing a personal note is priceless; let your politicians know that this is important to you, to me and to everyone within at least a 50 mile radius of Diablo Canyon.

Look at the map again, and consider the last time you were on the freeway in rush hour traffic.
Now, write a letter.

Joe